flying

So the past couple weeks have been filled with so many mixed emotions. It’s like my heart is running a marathon, and I mean that in the totally awesome way, not in the “why the hell did I decide to run a marathon” way. I’ve squeezed a bit of fear, confusion, understanding, clarity, and love into my heart these past weeks and yet I could not be in a happier state of questioning.

Fear of the unknown usually doesn’t bother me- unless it’s accompanied with darkness and some suspenseful music. I’m pretty sure that along with love, that this has been the emotion I’ve had the most of lately. Fear of not knowing which direction my life is going in, fear that the way I feel my heart being called is not the right way, fear that I am not doing a good enough job at work or with my community, and then there is that tricky fear of being in love.

Then, I got a big dose of confusion. What am I really supposed to do with my life? Should I apply for a second year with JVC? Should I stay in Raleigh? What about grad school? Ugh, the GRE! Do I actually want to stay in Raleigh? Do I go back home to SoCal? Am I fulfilling all that I am capable of doing within my job? Am I living intentionally within the 4 values of JVC? What is my client going to do when her time is up? How do my clients have so much faith and I don’t? Whoa, did I really just like that church service? Shit. I just couldn’t go to sleep at night! I’m close to having an anxiety attack just thinking about it. There were so many questions I was going crazy and tossing and turning even more than I thought was possible for me.

When understanding set in, I was like phew! I realized that everything is not up to me. Sure, I can make my own decisions, but they wont always be the right ones. Some might make me fail but I’ll just have to get back up and try again- hoping that I’d actually want to get back up haha! It wasn’t quite the kind of understand that everything will go perfectly. It was just a mere understanding that I can’t do it on my own. I am surprised to admit this, but it was an understanding that God kind of has my back. I may still have doubts for my current decisions on my future, but it was almost the impression that it really will be okay.

That was right about the time when clarity set in. My heart finally showed me what it was I want. It wasn’t some epiphany or anything weird like that, it was just a nice breath of fresh air. No literally, it was a really nice breath of fresh air in the cold snow at my JVC retreat haha. I felt a complete sense of meaning in the work I want to do, am called to do. Even if others have doubt that I’ll accomplish what it is I want or don’t fully support me, I’ve got that motivation for myself to keep on pushing. My insecurities left me and I feel like I’m able to become more fully myself (goodness my Jesuit education will never leave my thoughts). I know I sound ridiculous, but it’s okay!

Love comes at the most unexpected times. When you feel like your life is going just as you want it to go and nothing could be better than BAM! Love slaps you in the face. Whether that’s realizing that you love your career path, love the program you are doing, love the community you are living with, love a significant other, or all of the mentioned, it’s really really awesome. It’s something money can’t buy. Literally, the Beatles banked on that before I could. You seriously cannot buy love. I see it everyday in the faces of my women. Whether it’s the love they feel from God, or realizing that their stupid asshole of a boyfriend/husband/whatever is dunzo, you really can’t buy it.

As I was (am) going through the whole discernment process of life, I of course asked my Momma what she saw for me. Every mom has hopes and dreams for her daughter right? I really wanted to see if my dreams aligned with what my mother hoped for (even if I may not follow her hopes eh ehm medical school). So, after prying my mother so much that she was getting annoyed with me, she said that she sees me as a bird sitting in a nest on a wall (huh?!). She elaborated that on the one side of the wall it’s exactly what I want, exactly what she sees for me. She told me that sitting on that wall doesn’t allow me to get to what I want, so what I have to do is fly; to follow my heart and fly.

Cool, Momma. Great advice. Tell me where to fly! I contemplated this “idea” of me for quite some time and was so torn. Since I was sitting on the wall, does that mean that what I’m doing now doesn’t get me to where I want? Or does that mean that I flew over the wall to get closer to what I want and now I’m just taking a rest in the nest? I chose the former. I have to, right? I mean I’ve gotten this close to what I want so that has to mean something! So I thought a lot about what it is I want to fly to. What choice will I make to get me closer to my dream?

I think I’ve figured it out, and I’m still super scared about it, but it’s that scared that you’re kind of happy you have. That scared that feels good- like being in love! What is scarier than being in love!? Seriously though haha. I’m following my heart to get to my dreams. To add to my Momma’s story, I’m flying in the air being patient to see which direction to turn. I feel like I’m just chillin’ in the waiting place until Dr. Seuss draws the next page. I couldn’t be happier seeing the sights.