a circle.

It’s funny to look back at what I find spiritual, or I suppose another way to put it is how spiritual I actually am. I’ve done what I’m supposed to do in the church: first holy communion, reconciliation, getting confirmed, actually going to church, blah blah blah; and yet I’ve never actually thought that it did anything for my faith. However, when I look back in college, I see my CLC group, and how much we grew together and on our own, even if we didn’t meet every weekend, or at all senior year. My CLC sistahs were my source of spirituality in college and I somewhat feel that the women of Florence Street are rapidly becoming those “sistahs” of mine.

I’m not one to show my feelings very often (I mean my deepest, intimate feelings), and I can count all those who I actually do share these emotions with. In fact, I am quite terrified of hearing another’s unspoken thoughts, and many know that I can put a wall up with my own. Not many have been able to break this wall of mine (partly because I do not let them, and partly because it’s pretty thick), and the people who have seen the other side I hold very close to my heart. Pretty much I do not let everyone in, and even if you have broken through and somehow betrayed me than it’s back out you go with an even thicker wall than before. It, not I, can be somewhat complicated. Haha.That being said, I think I can also count how many of my friends that I have shared myself with and spoken to them about my own faith and struggles (so if I’ve done this with you, you’re special haha).

My faith has been a constant struggle since as far back as I can remember. Sharing my thoughts of religion, faith, spirituality, and the like with others is terribly terrifying to me, actually, any real emotions or deep feelings is hard for me to gulp and I try my best to not have to take that sip (I can see Marci totally nodding at this). My CLC sistahs can tell you, I am not one to be the first to share, I am not one to pray aloud, and I certainly try to be the last one to cry or hint at any pain. Needless to say, this spirituality value of JVC has not been one that I have been looking forward to.

Until tonight.

Our support couple came over for dinner before our first “spirituality night” and while I was eating dinner I could feel myself becoming anxious about what the next hour or so was about to bring. Like I said before, I’m not very open with my feelings (with most people) and can get uncomfortable when hearing someone else’s. Don't get me wrong, I am the least passive person on earth, and when I'm uncomfortable I show it, and if I am mad, you absolutely know it. So you can imagine how long I wanted dinner to last haha.

Hanna led the first part of the night, and we each read two passages of a poem (I can’t think of the name of the poem, but if anyone wants it just give me a holla and I can ask her for you) haha. But anyways, the passage I had was pretty fitting in a way. It read,

“If you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from further pain.”

Well shit... Fate would have it that the very first thing I read on the very first spirituality night of the year would be about either opening up or closing myself off. Cool, thanks, God. Haha. I relayed this with my roommates and our support couple and felt thankful to be able to do this, but was still uncertain about it all. It was pretty cool to say it and not feel like I was being judged or mocked, but I was still thinking about the irony and just kind of laughed.

Next, Roberta (one of our support persons) made all these cards with a variety of pictures and Scott (her husband and our other support person) told us to pick two of the cards. One was to be how we feel our spiritual journey has been thus far, and the other how we want our journey to be. As Scott was explaining the activity I immediately thought of how my spiritual journey was this trail almost, leading up to something... Low and behold, I found this:


I suppose it symbolizes how I have always been obedient with the church. Not necessarily following every rule or anything, but obedient as in the way of doing the expected. Struggle comes along with following a path, whether it’s that the path is hard to follow or that you feel confined to it.

Then I was thinking how in the hell I felt now, and how the year would be. I thought of how terrifying this value of spirituality is and how closed off I am to it at times, and my eyes kept going back to this picture:


To be completely honest I did not want to pick this one. I thought it was too religious and I thought that if I did pick this one, then I knew what I would have to share. Yet, something in me kept looking at this damn picture and I knew I had to contribute in a way that I was not expecting to.

So how in the hell does this exemplify my year(s) ahead? Welp, the open window could be me; opening up to this experience, to these lovely girls I’m living with, and letting whatever happen, happen. Or, this could be my spirituality opening up to me, and pulling me up, even if I’m not open myself. See what I mean about what I had to share and why I didn’t want to? Hahaha. Oh the irony.

After I did share, I was in some measure relieved. Like I was holding my breath in that scary part of a movie, and then the bad guy gets caught or something so you can breathe again. It was a nice exhale.

I find it interesting to think of the friendships I have now and to know who I have shared my most intimate thoughts with, and those friends who have been around for years and for some reason that conversation has never been shared. Somehow in the less than three weeks I've known the girls of Florence Street, they have made a hole in that wall of mine and have gotten me to show my true self; however terrified I may be. Weird what just a small healing circle can do to someone.