uncertainty.

I find that saying "goodbye" is absolute torture. Literally, I despise doing it. I try my hardest to never have to say it, yet this pain seems to be knocking at my door lately. I am usually the girl that can walk away from people and places and not look back, but right now, with almost 8 days left in California with friends, family, basically all I know... I don't want to leave, and I don't want to forget anyone or anything.

My mind is going from one fear to the next, and despite my knowing that I'm on the right path, I can't seem to shake the fears away. I'm sure I'm not the only JV having this anxiety, but I feel like I'm in such a weird place. Haven't I been grieving and saying goodbye all summer? All of senior year really? I remember hearing, "It's our last week of college we have to!" or merely just knowing that some of those who I graduated with I will probably never see again... Haven't I been saying goodbye all year?

So why is it that the month leading up to my departure, the month where I am supposed to have such excitement, such a passion for what I'm doing... why is this past month the one where I've said goodbye far too many times than I would ever have hoped? And why is it that though I can keep my cool with most everyone, right now I am on the verge of tears at the thought of saying goodbye to one more person?

Though I know for sure this is my calling (even if I have fears, I've never been more sure of anything), I find it funny that people tell me I'm such a strong woman to be able to go to an entirely new city, to live with strangers, and work for the poor. I do not feel strong, well, at least not right now.

Thankfully, I have the greatest mentor in the world who I can share my fears, even if briefly. The advice was more than I needed to hear and couldn't be more fitting:

We have to trust the decisions we made when we were in a good place, even more so when we're in a tough place. And I'm not gonna lie, you're in a tough place. - BPB

So here I am, in this tough place of grieving mixed with anticipation... and I am going to trust myself. I am going to keep my eyes and heart open and truly believe that being strong doesn't always mean feeling strong. I know there will be an ironic combination of love and fear in this coming year, but that's what life is about, right? Uncertainty?